Awakening to our inner journey in this current crisis.
There are a few things I have noticed since we have begun this process of social distancing and isolation. For me being a Mother with my four year old son at home, I have been fortunate enough to be living practically the same routine as normal. We have most of our lengthy days to ourselves generally. He would however usually be in creche in the mornings, forging friendships with other pre-schoolers, building resilience and a strong immune system. I would teach my yoga classes, which gives me enormous joy. But it has not been that much of an adjustment to cause us any great disturbance to our daily lives. I admit I have slowed down marginally, my expectations of myself and where I ‘should’ be have softened round the edges. Our mornings are quieter, like most people, we have no need to rush or harry ourselves much past enjoying that long craved for Spring sun that seeps in to the kitchen as we enjoy a tad more languid breakfast. My son seems to be sleeping more soundly beside me at night and despite his solid circadian connection and his usual ability to wake at the crack of dawn since he was born, he is actually sleeping in. I have had the joy of waking before him and having those precious moments of morning silence that set me up for a more serene day. I have of course felt the agitation on the air that is the current world mood, its hard not to absorb that fear as an osmotic being for others emotions, but I think now that we are settling into this stiller version of life I have had time to take note of what is happening beyond that first layer of fear.
There is something unmistakably different about the atmosphere around us. I notice it most in nature, where I sense an indefinable edge of vibrancy, a delight beyond the first freshness of our Spring awakening. My son and I walk in the woods all year round, weather permitting, with a few choice options of woodland location just outside our door. I am a pretty regular walker, a blessing that has infinitely multiplied during this odd episode of life. Yet the woods, our nature walk just seems ‘more’.. even my son was aware of it and explained in the way a child of four can do that sets your mind thinking. He declared on our last walk ‘the woods are different’. I felt it too. When I asked what he meant, he said “it is as if a paleontologist,” he is currently planning on digging for dinosaur fossils as a career, “has dug up the whole woods and made it better”. Children are so perceptive, even if a little cryptic. Yet he was tuned in to what is hanging evident in the air, where there is a palpable feeling beneath the human apprehension, I can not quite say for sure if it is Nature responding to the withdrawing of the feverish human activity or if it is simply my son and I’s perception of it but, the birds seemed louder, the air seemed energised, the earth felt like a golden warmth was emanating from its soul. I felt like the woods and its inhabitants were rejoicing, it felt infinitely beautiful and as if Mother Earth was holding space for us, for our awareness.
The time shift
Have you felt the time shifting? The world feels more like a sunny Sunday afternoon when I was a child myself, when life seemed to stand still for an endless day on that one day of the week where work life stopped for most people. I was young and we were just on the cusp of entering in to a more 24 hour lifestyle and open 7 days consumer opportunities. That Sunday style rest day is no longer weekly but usually only reserved once a year for Christmas day at best. Yes time is turning differently right now, we can all agree to that. The hours and days are blurring and merging, not out of boredom, my day is still filled with an active four year old, so boredom is a luxury I no longer enjoy, yet I feel this effect as much as someone who has to sit in their homes in lockdown mode on a daily basis from there commuter belt rat racer life. Yes, our routines are different and there is less structure but time itself is richer to me. We all feel the bending of time equally no matter our former life to current life ratio of adjustment. I think this is something worth observing, the hive mind we share that we rarely acknowledge, is coming to stillness and we all sense it no matter our actual actions.
Outer activity has slowed, yet I feel spiritual activity, inner work has begun to quicken, move so swiftly and exponentially, like riding an emotional rollercoaster, we had slowly ticked up towards the peak, working towards a full lock down, spending a brief moment at the precipice to brace ourselves and now we are free falling from the top, fully committed, no way of turning back, half afraid, half exhilarated. This time is giving us all the opportunity to face ourselves. Face what has been simmering under the surface but we never fully allow in to full view for processing. Activity, busy-ness, stimulation and mostly just surviving has many of us trapped, spinning on the wheel, too distracted, too exhausted to sense ourselves. Stillness, the quiet we feel now is allowing each of us to sit with our shadows, our light and our very essence. For some it is comfort for others it is painful and for most, we feel both at different moments.
The rise and fall with full presence
I have sat with my own fears rising. I have felt them as bodily sensations, emotional energy or tears flowing unbidden. I have met them with curiosity and compassion where I can, reminding myself constantly that all I feel is legitimate. The fear we all sense in the air from each other, has somehow given us all permission to feel our own insecurities with a little less self judgement.
With my fear comes grief. Grief for my Father, although he passed away nearly four years ago now, the well worn path of my thoughts turns to him whenever I feel vulnerable, whenever I feel unsupported, for he would have given me so much cushioning in this situation, a sense of solid foundational support that is irreplaceable, a nurturing only a parent can offer. I think on him with a smile but I wish so fiercely that he was here and my heart breaks again. Then the lack of control I feel about the situation has unearthed more grief, grief for a lost relationship. Being a single mother, I feel the loss of an unspoken promise and the expectation of unconditional support I entered in to with the father of my son when we decided to bear our child together. There is sadness at the loss of an imagined life growing old and facing any future with someone by my side, even though the breakdown of the relationship is not any one persons “fault” I am still allowed to feel that loss and there it is. I am angry to a degree that I have neither of these arms to hold me, shoulder some of the current weight I feel I bear, alone. I know there are still many layers to go, as my own insecurities are exposed by the current situation, issues exposed that are beyond blame or fault but are real and warranted none the less. I need to process and peel away all of these legitimate feelings and this current situation has brought all of them in to the light for my tender acknowledgment and unravelling. Our tenuous hold on life is on display, laid bare, and it is unsettling yet it’s always been that way. And there will be more. I know there is a huge sense of loss and grief for so many. Opportunities and plans for work or personal journeys, dreams of big days, holidays or small events that mark our path through the year and through our lives. Promises of outcomes to efforts that will never materialise. Maybe it is simply a grief for the sense of safety, certainty or control, no matter how false, that we felt before this. Our priorities have shifted, our values come under scrutiny. I know these will all come for us to work through, and we must work with them now. Sometimes we can not even name what is tugging at our hearts and sometimes we don’t need to name it.
Emotions are rising and falling like our rollercoaster and we have the opportunity to dwell in their desire to be seen, felt, experienced and put to rest. Now is the time for inner work, truly being honest to ourselves. Examining patterns and behaviours, staying vigilant to our own flight from our feelings that everyday life conveniently papers over. We use the language of “cocooning” for our vulnerable and elderly, but to my eyes, we are all cocooning, and like the cocooning caterpillar, we will go through major, irrevocable changes, submerged in the limbo of social distancing and suddenly being so up close to ourselves. We can distract ourselves only marginally now and stay in the mode of “busy” yet there we will be. This is an opportunity. We will need rest, Yoga and meditation (or your own choice of personal care tool), self care and compassion for ourselves and others, so we can emerge in to the full expression of our beauty, our spiritually freer butterfly selves once the work is done. So with no disrespect and without in any way being flippant to the souls that will be lost or those who will be on the front line and deemed essential, maybe this time will not be so awful for the rest of us who will face ourselves and crack open our cocoons with a little bit more love and awareness in our hearts.
Vital tools
I know meditation can be difficult when we are in the midst of crisis. I find guided meditations, where we are encouraged to go deep within for a purpose, are more accessible for the mind during difficult times, to ground and to bring to equilibrium. Please feel free to enjoy this 12 minute meditation for balancing chakras and grounding to Mother Earths nurturing support.